Regret

Jhonil and I on my 10th birthday celebration at Jollibee.

I know what I look like, but the main focus is the boy right behind me. He is my beloved cousin. Beloved, I believe, only to my family's eyes. By family, I mean my mom, my older sister and I.

Admittedly, I never went out of my way to care for him since I was right around his age and knew no better. But years have passed and the memories I carry of Jhonil is a gloomy one. Jhonil was always so outgoing, a partner in crime with his older brother, Andro. He would always get into trouble just because he'd come up with the stupidest things to do. But who could blame him? He had a heart of an adventurer, always wanting to do something. Unfortunately, even if he had the opposite personality, I think his mother would have still treated him unjustly. Even worse, my grandmother would treat him differently from the rest of her grandchildren. It was all the scolding, the abandoning, the trading, the letting gos, the favoritism that I remember the most.

I recently came in contact with my other cousin, Jarry, who informed me that Jhonil is now a quiet and odd man. I asked how and he said that he acts like a child. I suppose it makes sense that he finally became a reserved and "odd" man as a result of his upbringing but I still can't accept it. I'm mad that he never received the love and attention that he deserved and still deserves. I want to hug him a thousand times and spoil him with everything he's never had, but even then, I know it won't do. Nothing will do. I can never give him a childhood like the rest of his brothers and sisters had. I can't ever go back to when we were younger and let him know that I love him, that I care so deeply about him. Even if I say that to him now, I'm sure he wouldn't believe me. He wouldn't believe anybody.

I asked Jarry to take a picture of Jhonil since they're neighbors but I don't know how that's gonna go since Jarry told me that he says "hi" to him sometimes and Jhonil wouldn't reply back. Hopefully he'll consent so I can finally see what kind of a man he turned out to be. All I can do now is hope that one day he will see his full potential and not let his past determine his future.