10 Things I Dislike

In no particular order...

10. That girl who thinks "Just kidding" after making a maliciously rude (possibly true) comment makes everything okay. #$^&$, You better guess it. I'm on to you.

9. Sneezing a second after I just applied mascara.

8. Getting hit with that girl's umbrella and she doesn't say "Sorry."

7. Cats. Nuff said.

6. That group of people who stop in the busiest street to catch up with old friends. Find a corner people!

5. When that guy standing in Red Square has no sense of body language and still gives me a flyer even though he saw me gradually walk on the opposite side of where he was standing. Dang human spams!

4. "Whispering" girls behind me during lecture.

3. Having the option to chose between the stall with poop remnants, un-flushed toilet with blood all over, or a missing toilet seat.

2. Studying really hard for that one section and not have it show up on the test.

1. Asian girls smoking in a group. What a joke.

The Tide

I cast a shadow unto mine own image

Never realizing the implications of the things unfinished

A barricade I built to what once was my place to hide

Right on the shore to be washed by the tide

A royal blue flower on my box it sleeps

Silently at night I hear it weep

It longs for the wall to be filled again

With all the memories it held before came the rain

I can't control the rain, when it comes and when it goes

But when it comes, time surely slows

I will knock, but don't open the door

You will see I am drenched with things not pure

The window is clear enough for you to see

The difference between that girl you knew and the present me

The sun rose, a hopeful promise to erase away

But I awoke in the morning with a scream

Disappointed when I realized none of it was a dream

Natalie Tran

You may know her from her famous Youtube channel "Community Channel." Her humor is similar to mine and I can't get enough of it. In this point of my life, I may or may not have seen the 200+ videos that she's uploaded. She's simply irresistible.

Yiruma

This New-age Pop composer steals my heart. "Kiss the Rain" is one that makes my heart glow and expand at the same time. I listen to all his songs while trying to focus on writing essays or just read, period. He helps me get through the stress of college life and for that I am most appreciative.

Question

My heart awoke in sadness on the sun's homecoming to Seattle. Reason is yet unknown. Instead of my routine clicking of "Feel like dancing" station while putting my make-up on, my fingers chose "Sing it Out" instead (which contains slow, sad songs for the most part). It carried on throughout the day even as I listened to "Pockets Full of Sunshine" by Natasha Beddingfield while walking down the Ave. Curious and quite disturbing, I felt urges to break down and cry. ? WTF.

Why are you so sad, heart?

Reality

A sad realization occurred to me yesterday as I sat in the passenger seat of my mom's car singing along Katy Perry's "Teenage Dream." I wouldn't admit it before, but I think it's time to make it official--.....I'm not good at singing. I literally suck. I shamelessly released my frustration out loud to my mother and she didn't disagree. -_-
She tried to make me feel better by reminding me that things change when people get older. Well thanks mom! I really needed that pep talk.

As a child, I was what you would call a "triple threat." But really I was "quadruple threat." I could dance, sing, act, model on demand. One of my earliest childhood memories are of me performing to drunks who sought out entertainment for the night, grandparents eagerly interested in seeing my potential careers in the future, neighbors gathering who found amusement in my spontaneity and eagerness to show my talents. It took me 14 years to realize that I wasn't actually good at any of the said "talents" I thought I had when I was a child. A little depressing, especially since I'm personally seeing the gradual suckiness of my abilities.

I'm not petite, or flawless enough to be a model. I can't act. I have lost my ability to dance, and now, my voice.....my voice isn't even good enough to sing. I can't harmonize, hold a note, ornament tones. My actual voice isn't attractive and not very pleasing to hear. If I don't like my own voice, how do I expect anyone else to like it? Sucky part of growing up #3,167--realizing that you can't even do that most basic and easy talents to pick up. I'm afraid I've lost myself. I lack a distinct (or common) talent in which I can be proud to perform in front of the world, even the drunks in town.

Regret

Jhonil and I on my 10th birthday celebration at Jollibee.

I know what I look like, but the main focus is the boy right behind me. He is my beloved cousin. Beloved, I believe, only to my family's eyes. By family, I mean my mom, my older sister and I.

Admittedly, I never went out of my way to care for him since I was right around his age and knew no better. But years have passed and the memories I carry of Jhonil is a gloomy one. Jhonil was always so outgoing, a partner in crime with his older brother, Andro. He would always get into trouble just because he'd come up with the stupidest things to do. But who could blame him? He had a heart of an adventurer, always wanting to do something. Unfortunately, even if he had the opposite personality, I think his mother would have still treated him unjustly. Even worse, my grandmother would treat him differently from the rest of her grandchildren. It was all the scolding, the abandoning, the trading, the letting gos, the favoritism that I remember the most.

I recently came in contact with my other cousin, Jarry, who informed me that Jhonil is now a quiet and odd man. I asked how and he said that he acts like a child. I suppose it makes sense that he finally became a reserved and "odd" man as a result of his upbringing but I still can't accept it. I'm mad that he never received the love and attention that he deserved and still deserves. I want to hug him a thousand times and spoil him with everything he's never had, but even then, I know it won't do. Nothing will do. I can never give him a childhood like the rest of his brothers and sisters had. I can't ever go back to when we were younger and let him know that I love him, that I care so deeply about him. Even if I say that to him now, I'm sure he wouldn't believe me. He wouldn't believe anybody.

I asked Jarry to take a picture of Jhonil since they're neighbors but I don't know how that's gonna go since Jarry told me that he says "hi" to him sometimes and Jhonil wouldn't reply back. Hopefully he'll consent so I can finally see what kind of a man he turned out to be. All I can do now is hope that one day he will see his full potential and not let his past determine his future.